Dear blog of mine,
First of all, the reason why I just took the (erratic?) decision to pour my feelings out in here, is because my heart couldn't take it anymore. The load of emotions and feelings were outweighing me and shattering me. I can't believe that it got me physically sick. Am I this weak? I've always known myself to be quite vulnerable, but never has it crossed my mind that I would be this weak and sensitive, but then again, never have I thought that I would get this hurt by someone who I always put on a pedestal. I'm at loss of words. I feel like my stomach is lacerated and I lost my appetite, my father is worried about me but all I could come up with is that school drained me out of my energy. Did I become this pathetic? Have I always been that way or is it something that you develop when you let someone in and close enough to hurt you and they end up hurting you in the most despicable and knife-wrenching way. And all of this happened during the past 48 hours.
The thing that is making me loathe myself at this moment is letting anyone close enough to hurt me.. and the illusions. My God the illusions. Aren't we all deeply damaged? We mold inside our -damaged- minds this world where everything's okay and witty and bright while the truth is much uglier, much more despicable and ghoulish. I can feel that my tachycardia is back. My heart beats even faster as long as I'm repeating this scenario. This freaking scenario that twisted everything. That made me doubt everything. The sincerity in their promises, their words, their actions(?).. I'm completely shattered inside and what kills me the most is that this afternoon I'll have to go to school and pretend in front of everyone that I'm just okay. That I didn't come this morning because I was only and purely physically tired while they have no idea that I'm mentally and emotionally drained out.
I have been slapped, and I just woke up. I realized how easy it is for people to walk out of your life, and to cut you off for no reason and just leave you there standing in the cold, waiting for an answer or an explanation. Isn't it just so cruel.
Although I've said quite a lot up there, only God knows that the pain that I'm feeling inside is incomparable. I don't know how to describe it. I can't even put it into a song. I can barely put it into words on here. And I have no idea if this is ever gonna be published or not because I don't think that anyone should see how vulnerable Ifeel. AM. I tried to read through it, to find a plausible explanation.. but whenever I think that I'm making something out of it, I trip and fall all the way back to square one. Isn't it ironic? Or maybe I'm the only seeing the irony here.
Out of experiences like this, people tell you to see the bright side, and to try to make the best out of it, the truth is, all of those are just bunch of lies, to make us think that it's going to be okay, what if it's not? What if actually being pathetic and shattered might be the only way out?
All that I know right now is that I'm getting no answer over here. And that I just wish it could disappear. I swear to God, I've never been this hurt, and I could never hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. Being left out there in the cold freezes you, inside and out. My heart is wounded and I have no idea how long it's going to take for me to heal. For it to heal. For me to try to talk about it without my eyes tearing up, without feeling like I'm being gutted.
All that I know is that I don't know. I just don't.
First of all, the reason why I just took the (erratic?) decision to pour my feelings out in here, is because my heart couldn't take it anymore. The load of emotions and feelings were outweighing me and shattering me. I can't believe that it got me physically sick. Am I this weak? I've always known myself to be quite vulnerable, but never has it crossed my mind that I would be this weak and sensitive, but then again, never have I thought that I would get this hurt by someone who I always put on a pedestal. I'm at loss of words. I feel like my stomach is lacerated and I lost my appetite, my father is worried about me but all I could come up with is that school drained me out of my energy. Did I become this pathetic? Have I always been that way or is it something that you develop when you let someone in and close enough to hurt you and they end up hurting you in the most despicable and knife-wrenching way. And all of this happened during the past 48 hours.
The thing that is making me loathe myself at this moment is letting anyone close enough to hurt me.. and the illusions. My God the illusions. Aren't we all deeply damaged? We mold inside our -damaged- minds this world where everything's okay and witty and bright while the truth is much uglier, much more despicable and ghoulish. I can feel that my tachycardia is back. My heart beats even faster as long as I'm repeating this scenario. This freaking scenario that twisted everything. That made me doubt everything. The sincerity in their promises, their words, their actions(?).. I'm completely shattered inside and what kills me the most is that this afternoon I'll have to go to school and pretend in front of everyone that I'm just okay. That I didn't come this morning because I was only and purely physically tired while they have no idea that I'm mentally and emotionally drained out.
I have been slapped, and I just woke up. I realized how easy it is for people to walk out of your life, and to cut you off for no reason and just leave you there standing in the cold, waiting for an answer or an explanation. Isn't it just so cruel.
Although I've said quite a lot up there, only God knows that the pain that I'm feeling inside is incomparable. I don't know how to describe it. I can't even put it into a song. I can barely put it into words on here. And I have no idea if this is ever gonna be published or not because I don't think that anyone should see how vulnerable I
Out of experiences like this, people tell you to see the bright side, and to try to make the best out of it, the truth is, all of those are just bunch of lies, to make us think that it's going to be okay, what if it's not? What if actually being pathetic and shattered might be the only way out?
All that I know right now is that I'm getting no answer over here. And that I just wish it could disappear. I swear to God, I've never been this hurt, and I could never hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. Being left out there in the cold freezes you, inside and out. My heart is wounded and I have no idea how long it's going to take for me to heal. For it to heal. For me to try to talk about it without my eyes tearing up, without feeling like I'm being gutted.
All that I know is that I don't know. I just don't.
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