They say that waiting gives you the time to think. And I've been thinking for the past four hours as I'm sitting in a bus taking me home at this very moment.
I'm officially done with high school. This year was my senior year and I must admit that high school is very far from the near perfect experience where you make tons of friends and everything ends up just fine and then you head off to college with your best friend and unicorn here and cupcake there. It is complete and utter BS.
...Nope.. High school was highly exasperating. It was a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't think that I want to look back on that book,ever again ...at least for now because I don't think that I have enough strength to do so.
Although, the pessimistic me is taking over (I'll put that on the fact that I'm a Gemini), high school had some pretty great moments, I feel closer than ever with my best friend, who I consider as my sister and I've made amazing memories and captured them in my mind forever.
They say that high school changes you... and it has changed me, I just don't know if I changed for the worst or for the best. Not yet.
I think my past has changed me and made me tougher in some areas but high school is still this journey that I've gone through and I still need to take time to analyze it.
I believe that Elizabeth Gilbert said that the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying and that the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving... and I guess she was in place quite similar to where I'm standing right now, because I do want to leave yet I'd be leaving so many things behind. You see, I have this dream of mine, which is to travel the whole world. How amazing, fulfilling but mostly healing would it be. If I stay, the past will always come back haunting me.. It'll be the monster in my closet that I've been trying to bury in the deepest corners of my mind, yet it still finds a way to escape and to come bite me back..
Maybe the solution wasn't leaving. But I don't think that I'm ready to deal with any of this, so I'm just pouring it out here, hoping that I'll come up with something eventually.
The view from where I am is breath-taking. All you can see are trees, gigantic fields and a house here and there. It would almost make you feel like you're the only person in the world. It would make you feel like you have all the time and space you need to think and that no matter what the outcome of the thinking is.. It just wouldn't be as dreadful because there are no closets where you are and no skeletons to come scare you at night.
On another level, I believe that trauma is something everyone goes through at a certain point in their lives. Trauma is the only-ish constant. It's always been there, with us, we just fail to feel it or realize it because it doesn't feel like trauma. As I'm writing this, with the hope that I'm making the least bit of sense, I also believe that trauma changes you. Because if it didn't, then you'd probably would have to be a robot, which would be pretty cool...
....back to the subject. Trauma is a scary thing, our very own mind freezes and stops at the very thought of having to go through trauma because we are scared of change. But do we really change? Or do we just become more who we really are? Hence.. are we afraid of becoming more ourselves because we're scared-stiff of who might be hiding under the mask?
[...]
Life has a funny way of turning everything upside down, in such a complete opposite way..and it hits you like a train when you least expect it. I think that I am still trying to process many things right now... mostly the fact that us, as individuals, will always be coping with and/or dealing with some kind of traumatic loss or goodbye.. because the truth is that we all go through losses that are shockingly, surprisingly and agonizingly painful... losses that we never even thought would be real... losses that shake you, strike you and break you to the core.. I also am trying to get adjusted to the fact that people change their minds quite frequently..
...but I also got to learn -and not adjust- that time can heal most anything.
Throughout this very wonderful, horrible, joyous, nerve-wrecking and magical journey that is life, you should stick with the people who care about you and who you care about.. and leaving is not an option, no matter how much you hurt them or they hurt you, once you find someone (or people) who you feel comfortable enough with to be yourself and without fearing to be judged or to be left...
....you should probably stick around and enjoy the journey of life, together.
And it is now that I realize that I just might have found those people... the ones who I might name my kids after and the ones who I plan to grow old and rusty with.
I'm officially done with high school. This year was my senior year and I must admit that high school is very far from the near perfect experience where you make tons of friends and everything ends up just fine and then you head off to college with your best friend and unicorn here and cupcake there. It is complete and utter BS.
...Nope.. High school was highly exasperating. It was a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't think that I want to look back on that book,
They say that high school changes you... and it has changed me, I just don't know if I changed for the worst or for the best. Not yet.
I think my past has changed me and made me tougher in some areas but high school is still this journey that I've gone through and I still need to take time to analyze it.
I believe that Elizabeth Gilbert said that the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying and that the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving... and I guess she was in place quite similar to where I'm standing right now, because I do want to leave yet I'd be leaving so many things behind. You see, I have this dream of mine, which is to travel the whole world. How amazing, fulfilling but mostly healing would it be. If I stay, the past will always come back haunting me.. It'll be the monster in my closet that I've been trying to bury in the deepest corners of my mind, yet it still finds a way to escape and to come bite me back..
Maybe the solution wasn't leaving. But I don't think that I'm ready to deal with any of this, so I'm just pouring it out here, hoping that I'll come up with something eventually.
The view from where I am is breath-taking. All you can see are trees, gigantic fields and a house here and there. It would almost make you feel like you're the only person in the world. It would make you feel like you have all the time and space you need to think and that no matter what the outcome of the thinking is.. It just wouldn't be as dreadful because there are no closets where you are and no skeletons to come scare you at night.
On another level, I believe that trauma is something everyone goes through at a certain point in their lives. Trauma is the only-ish constant. It's always been there, with us, we just fail to feel it or realize it because it doesn't feel like trauma. As I'm writing this, with the hope that I'm making the least bit of sense, I also believe that trauma changes you. Because if it didn't, then you'd probably would have to be a robot, which would be pretty cool...
....back to the subject. Trauma is a scary thing, our very own mind freezes and stops at the very thought of having to go through trauma because we are scared of change. But do we really change? Or do we just become more who we really are? Hence.. are we afraid of becoming more ourselves because we're scared-stiff of who might be hiding under the mask?
[...]
Life has a funny way of turning everything upside down, in such a complete opposite way..and it hits you like a train when you least expect it. I think that I am still trying to process many things right now... mostly the fact that us, as individuals, will always be coping with and/or dealing with some kind of traumatic loss or goodbye.. because the truth is that we all go through losses that are shockingly, surprisingly and agonizingly painful... losses that we never even thought would be real... losses that shake you, strike you and break you to the core.. I also am trying to get adjusted to the fact that people change their minds quite frequently..
...but I also got to learn -and not adjust- that time can heal most anything.
Throughout this very wonderful, horrible, joyous, nerve-wrecking and magical journey that is life, you should stick with the people who care about you and who you care about.. and leaving is not an option, no matter how much you hurt them or they hurt you, once you find someone (or people) who you feel comfortable enough with to be yourself and without fearing to be judged or to be left...
....you should probably stick around and enjoy the journey of life, together.
And it is now that I realize that I just might have found those people... the ones who I might name my kids after and the ones who I plan to grow old and rusty with.
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