It's been pretty obvious that lately I've been very mad at almost everything but this time was different, I knew that it wasn't my hormones playing some sick tricks on me nor was it my imaginations.. or my periods..
I've been mulling over the fact how easy it is for people to hurt others, to throw away words as if they were unaware how words can break someone, words have a power that only educated people know.. it is so unbelievably ignorant to use words as a weapon to cause this other person's pain and sorrow.. and you know what is even more painful? having nobody to back you up..
... and even though a war is actually happening inside of that little skull of mine, my head is currently begging me not to write a word while my heart... my heart was in pain and wanted to shut down the computer and go to sleep.. so what I decided to do was to follow my fingers, which are typing at this very moment and I don't think I can stop them.
I was so mad and so fucking sad and hurt and.. I don't think there are enough adjectives to express how I was and am feeling right now.. and nothing seems to change it. In the movies, when somebody who decided to stand up for himself, he just does it, like that, without even blinking.. I came to the conclusion that it is deep bullshit. None of that true since I froze, not a single word came out of my mouth, it was total emptiness and I'm hoping that I will never re-live today.. never ever ever again. It felt like everything was happening too slowly, in slow motion like in a movie scene that I just wanted to cut but I couldn't because it was not a movie, what that person said wasn't scripted and me being frozen was not expected..
I always thought that my childhood was all about getting ready for the moment for me when I'll finally get to stand up for myself, turns out it was barely a warm up... and Cheesus, I can't believe that I'm actually writing exactly how I feel without having to use any kind of metaphor or hyperbole to make it sound 'nicer' or 'funnier'.. although I'm freezing right now, I'm feeling something warm coming down.....
I think that my heart won the war.. I'm shutting it down.
I've been mulling over the fact how easy it is for people to hurt others, to throw away words as if they were unaware how words can break someone, words have a power that only educated people know.. it is so unbelievably ignorant to use words as a weapon to cause this other person's pain and sorrow.. and you know what is even more painful? having nobody to back you up..
... and even though a war is actually happening inside of that little skull of mine, my head is currently begging me not to write a word while my heart... my heart was in pain and wanted to shut down the computer and go to sleep.. so what I decided to do was to follow my fingers, which are typing at this very moment and I don't think I can stop them.
I was so mad and so fucking sad and hurt and.. I don't think there are enough adjectives to express how I was and am feeling right now.. and nothing seems to change it. In the movies, when somebody who decided to stand up for himself, he just does it, like that, without even blinking.. I came to the conclusion that it is deep bullshit. None of that true since I froze, not a single word came out of my mouth, it was total emptiness and I'm hoping that I will never re-live today.. never ever ever again. It felt like everything was happening too slowly, in slow motion like in a movie scene that I just wanted to cut but I couldn't because it was not a movie, what that person said wasn't scripted and me being frozen was not expected..
I always thought that my childhood was all about getting ready for the moment for me when I'll finally get to stand up for myself, turns out it was barely a warm up... and Cheesus, I can't believe that I'm actually writing exactly how I feel without having to use any kind of metaphor or hyperbole to make it sound 'nicer' or 'funnier'.. although I'm freezing right now, I'm feeling something warm coming down.....
I think that my heart won the war.. I'm shutting it down.
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