I'm pretty sure it's been forever since I've been staring at my laptop screen and for the first time I knew exactly that it was not because I was a train wreck or because I was lacking of inspiration.. The inspiration was there and I knew that if I lifted my heart and let it all out without over-thinking, like I always do, all of my emotions would come rushing back as violent and aggressive as waves on a rainy day... If this is making sense at all...
And even though this song ( http://youtu.be/qR5pwUaQk94 ) is making feel kind of foggy-ish, I'm doing the best I can to maintain a strict and firm sense of objectivity.. but who was I kidding, there's no way I was going to shut up this time.. I'm going to unleash and free myself and stop being too nice.. I feel like I have been unlocked by whatever key that causes people to change and become new people... but I might be lying right now because underneath it all, I knew exactly the reason why I was changing and turning into an 'angry' version of me because 'nice' me was being made fun of and being asked to leave places because she was not welcome and because she was an outsider, a pariah..
People always tell me that I'm too nice and I always went along with it and I never minded being called that way.. but lately I've been thinking that the 'too' made it sound really negative... isn't it funny how one word, one phrase, one gesture coming from somebody could just change you? how words can break us into million pieces but still can bring you back.. On a personal level, words have broken and shattered me, have splintered me but I found my way through it...
[....]
After taking time to think again and again... I noticed that this post was taking a whole different twist.. as sad and dreary one, I guess this is what you get when you write without giving yourself time to think of what you're writing.. or when you're writing on a sunny Sunday. I just hate sunny Sundays, I abhor them.
Long story short, dusk had fallen and I was freezing in spite of the enormous amounts of layers of clothes I was wearing.. I was contemplating my phone (I know it does sound 'rubbish') because I was in a state of madness since I having the worst day ever...
After a long day of my doctor yelling at me, added to the fact that I had a fight with my best friend and that I was mad at myself and that I was hurt, I didn't care at all, it all vanished since it was all forgotten and buried under laughters.. that soon had been broken when I heard somebody's voice asking me to leave the room because according I was either a replica of somebody who did not belong, or because she thought I wasn't somebody worth hearing the 'magnificent' words she was about to pronounce out of her mouth.. I would rather go with bull##it.
If I had to be honest, that was the last straw, I don't remember being this hurt and this mad, I felt like I was the exact embodiment of a volcano and that I was going to explode at any second, at any time.. then a gust of thoughts was ravaging my brain and my thoughts were spinning at a speed that I was not even able to keep up with them... I even lost control of my legs, because the next thing I knew was that they were walking towards the door when I know that only direction they should've been pointing at was her butt... ish.
This post is again taking another twist, I know that I'm being mean but I've been hurt, so bad... but I can't help it. I just can't..
Many people tend to think that out of experiences like this, you only get out with broken hearts and hurt feelings and anger but I didn't, I realized that there were some people in this room who actually cared about me and that was soothing.. ish. No, it was actually soothing (no ish this time).. and then I felt great-ish because I knew that even though she doesn't care about me, at least yesterday night, I found out that I was really important for some people... which is why I'm feeling confused at this very moment about whether I should feel mad or sad or happy.
I think I'll choose happy/mad.. wishing my heart was going to reconsider because even if I feel extremely mad, something really shook me.... and I'm still waiting to find out what was that thing.
Always yours,
---Invisible girl.
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