I was quite aware of where I was stepping in and there was no way of turning back.. and now I'm more than relieved knowing that it was all in my head but I couldn't help myself but feeling guilty.. I actually don't know how to feel.. maybe that it was the beginning of becoming numb...
.. I felt like those kids who open up their Christmas' gifts too early and feel guilty afterwards.. I had opened my box of feelings and doubts and resent and it was closing up onto me.. and it was too late for me to get out of that box. Maybe that I'm exaggerating right now... but who in the name of the Pharaohs care... I was happy to know that it was all in my head, made up, but a part of me.. was reminiscing itself of those nights that I spent, being consumed by guilt and resent and many other feelings that I didn't even know..
.. It's just that I don't want to lose him.. I don't have any sort of 'romantic' feelings towards him but I know that losing him would be like losing a part of me... I just have this constant and never-ending fear of people leaving me.. I feel like people get bored of me, because at first, I never show who I am... and that utterly.. makes me want to punch a wall, which I won't because.. my hands are like chicken bones...
... can I just be serious for once, in my life?
Unlike many other people that I met, he is special.. which brings me back to the soulmate topic, you don't have to be romantically attached to that person, you just have this exceptional connection with him or her and you know that he or she is one of a kind.. and that's it.. I don't know why I'm feeling guilty even though I know that I haven't done anything wrong.. I'm tired of my brain playing tricks on me...
What saddens me the most is that I always think that this person doesn't feel the connection, which makes me think again that it's all in my mind. Right now, that box is getting tinier and tinier and it wasn't going to take long for it to crash me and to break my bones and ache my muscles because I was in a really delicate situation and my brain sort of shut down...
.. I was stuck and I was alone, facing myself and my thoughts... and instead of trying to figure it all out, I just blogged it the hell out. And as awkward as putting this into words felt, I couldn't let it in, nor could I talk about it because I know that no one would understand.. maybe that my audience (myself) would but who was I kidding, the reason why I converted myself to the whole blogging world was because I could not understand what I feel...
I needed a reality check-up ASAP.. because my reality and other people's reality have gotten under my skin and I felt like I was trapped in a David Lynch movie. Creating myself another world to avoid dealing with mine. It was just a matter of time... but it was more a matter of confusion and non-dealing with my issues..?
All that I know is I don't know how to get myself out of this crap and out of this dimension that I have created? I'm sure that I even made up half of the problems I think I have.
A reality check-up had burned through the levels of importance and have become Urgent. Capitalized 'U' required.
--Invisible girl.
.. I felt like those kids who open up their Christmas' gifts too early and feel guilty afterwards.. I had opened my box of feelings and doubts and resent and it was closing up onto me.. and it was too late for me to get out of that box. Maybe that I'm exaggerating right now... but who in the name of the Pharaohs care... I was happy to know that it was all in my head, made up, but a part of me.. was reminiscing itself of those nights that I spent, being consumed by guilt and resent and many other feelings that I didn't even know..
.. It's just that I don't want to lose him.. I don't have any sort of 'romantic' feelings towards him but I know that losing him would be like losing a part of me... I just have this constant and never-ending fear of people leaving me.. I feel like people get bored of me, because at first, I never show who I am... and that utterly.. makes me want to punch a wall, which I won't because.. my hands are like chicken bones...
... can I just be serious for once, in my life?
Unlike many other people that I met, he is special.. which brings me back to the soulmate topic, you don't have to be romantically attached to that person, you just have this exceptional connection with him or her and you know that he or she is one of a kind.. and that's it.. I don't know why I'm feeling guilty even though I know that I haven't done anything wrong.. I'm tired of my brain playing tricks on me...
What saddens me the most is that I always think that this person doesn't feel the connection, which makes me think again that it's all in my mind. Right now, that box is getting tinier and tinier and it wasn't going to take long for it to crash me and to break my bones and ache my muscles because I was in a really delicate situation and my brain sort of shut down...
.. I was stuck and I was alone, facing myself and my thoughts... and instead of trying to figure it all out, I just blogged it the hell out. And as awkward as putting this into words felt, I couldn't let it in, nor could I talk about it because I know that no one would understand.. maybe that my audience (myself) would but who was I kidding, the reason why I converted myself to the whole blogging world was because I could not understand what I feel...
I needed a reality check-up ASAP.. because my reality and other people's reality have gotten under my skin and I felt like I was trapped in a David Lynch movie. Creating myself another world to avoid dealing with mine. It was just a matter of time... but it was more a matter of confusion and non-dealing with my issues..?
All that I know is I don't know how to get myself out of this crap and out of this dimension that I have created? I'm sure that I even made up half of the problems I think I have.
A reality check-up had burned through the levels of importance and have become Urgent. Capitalized 'U' required.
--Invisible girl.
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