Knocked Down..

I always thought that love was over-rated and I still do.. Summer is passing by and I don't know what to do.. I don't know what to write either and that is driving me crazy... Actually, I know what I have on my heart, but my mind was telling to me to shut up and keep watching my TV show and staying in bed... and I was not in the mood to fight back... I was totally tired.. Physically and emotionally. It was fine. I was fine. Love has always been my main topic. I'm still stuck between being this non-believer and believer.. and every time I find a reason to believe in it, my mind comes up with a billion more reasons not to...

Now that I had put every fantasy I've ever had towards love in bed... In the bed of my mind. I became cynical and pushy.. but maybe all that was just a surface.. A tight and huge surface, if that makes any sense. My heart was torn and I didn't know what to do about it. My reality was definitely mixed up with my fantasy and I needed to kick it the hell out of here because if I didn't, I was going to get in a lot of trouble.. Love trouble. You know how they always say that you can't control your feelings? Well... I do control mine but this time, it was... way too overwhelming.. Kind of like a tsunami of feelings and I was not one of the survivors, I was among the ones who totally got crushed and taken away along with the waves... or maybe I was just lost in the sea drinking heavily salty water and it tasted badly... Disgustingly badly.. If that still makes sense... how can I make sense when I can't even distinguish the reality from my fantasy?

I was stuck... Stuck in a bad remake of a David Lynch movie.. and the only way to get out of here was to kill.. mentally kill. I'm not a killer, definitely not.

As my brain, my thoughts and my delusional mind made me their bitch, I had finally realized that I didn't even talk about what I wanted to.. Avoiding talking about it.. Typical me. I  needed to put my sh#t together... and I'm willing to...
He was sending the signals and being... not being but treating me in a special way and I didn't fall for it and everyone was telling me that he had something for me.. but maybe I was the one who was deeply in love with him.. Bullsh#t. Pure bullsh#t.. I don't know what's going through my mind.

See, this was a mix of my fantasy and my reality.. Have I gone already mad? Madness... Just thinking about it made me want to puke. I was more likely stuck in a roller coaster and I was getting dizzy... without the whole madness topic hunting me down.

After four hours of being absent, I finally came back and with a lot on my heart... Do you know that feeling when you know you shouldn't do something but you end up doing it..? Kind of like when were kids and our parents forbid us to eat cookies at night but we end up eating the whole box because it makes us happy for a short period of time and then... we end up with the worst stomachache ever? Well I was going through that right now... I knew that I was going to get burned but I went along with it and now I'm the one who's... hurting.

This is the first and last time I'll be talking about this.. because it feels too awkward writing about it.. or even thinking about it...

I should probably just shut it all off and go to sleep but my mind won't let me unless I get this all out of my chest and even though I'm hella scared to post it online and let people read about it.. I have to. I need to. I don't know what's wrong.. I guess that nights have this kind of weird effect on me.. I just become.. vulnerable. And it's the worst feeling ever, you feel powerless and all you want to do is cry like a baby.. which I won't. I'm just so confused... I don't even know what to think about this whole situation.. I'm not ready to let go although I have to.. I don't think there's any other solution but letting go..

I felt like I was his secret.. and that he would change his mind every two seconds and I always hated that...

...I really feel like this was all in my mind... and it's driving me crazy.. I was soon going to get crazy.. I just felt so many things at once and among those, feeling second choice.. which is something that irks me.. but I feel like he's unpredictable... way too. It's toxic and I don't wanna die...

... emotionally.

I need to get rid of this feeling by being a judge.. and throw this and his case the hell outta court and sentence myself to an intense session of listening to music.

PS -- http://youtu.be/ByvmXrV0MeE.. this song is... I can't even..

Always yours,
Invisible -who is confused also- girl.