They taught us in med school that once the kidney reaches fibrosis, it is hard if not completely impossible for it to gain back its full fonction. I like to think it is the same for human beings. There comes a time when we reach some kind of  "emotional fibrosis" and do no longer desire to feel, for we have become too acquainted with hurting... for pain had become an old friend of ours that we just no longer desire to hear from... for cloudy and rainy days had become a routine, not necessarily according to the actual weather, but inside our heads...


So here I am. Sitting.. wondering... hurting?
How much damage is enough damage to hit the point of no return? How much can a heart break before it loses the hope and will to put the pieces back together? What if we become too comfortable with the broken pieces? What if somehow, the broken pieces shelter us from being hurt another time? What if the wound is a constant reminder, a red flag that begs us not to go 'there' another time?

I guess it is true when they say that everything comes to end. People die. Couples break up. Even food expires. Why not emotions then? 

You Don't Know..

You don't know until what is meant to happen eventually happens to you. It's simple. You don't know when you'll get your heart broken.. you don't know when it'll be mended.. you don't know if the roof that once sheltered you will fall on your head. You can't.. until it happens.

....and though I can't seem to figure out whether this is a blessing or another reason why my anxiety tends to reach its peak when it crosses my mind, I think this is the main reason why we keep moving. We push through the pain because we don't know what the next big thing is and therefore cling onto the smallest shred of hope that our eyes can see, and that our fingertips can trace for the beauty of not knowing where tomorrow leads and letting go of yesterday.


But, there's no need to get on our horses and lose track of all kind of perception. This process takes time and the next big thing can take weeks maybe even months to happen. What do we do  meanwhile? We enjoy the process of healing, and whatever comes in between. 

Are We Out of The Woods?

..standing on solid ground had become a foreign language of mine that I lost track off... I put a foot in front of the other, and I heard the crackling sound of the ground, so I stayed still and swore that I wouldn't move..


..the weight of the silence smothered me, and as I took a deep breath, I lost my balance so I held it in because being aware of the fragility of where I was standing brought me comfort but also extreme anxiety and a frantic feeling of endless questioning..

...as I looked around, many monsters surrounded me, and despite the darkness of the night, fear was a monster that I recognized as if its scent had befriended my nostrils, as if its fingerprints had stained my skin quite a long time ago.. another monster seemed to be an old friend of mine, but I couldn't put my finger on it for its name had slipped my mind... but I could remember how it made me feel...

...it made me feel nostalgic in the most bittersweet way that I have ever known... it made my throat lumpy and sometimes my eyes watery.. but then, I swore that I would stay still..

...and so I did.. I waited and am still waiting, I imprisoned every racing thought in a cage for they were so wild they would break the ground and shatter it.. but as I stood there, waiting for dawn to break through, the only question that was spinning in my mind, the only one that I could discern was: "are we out of the woods.."

Strangers Who Knew Each Other..

There's only so much a heart can take, and only so long legs can stand still before your knees bruise... because even the leaves in the fall lose their colors and fade... and branches, that once were entwined, dry up and break... because even forests aren't always visited for the beauty of their trees but for the beauty that echoes through your thoughts...  I believe someone once said that the one thing that trees are experts at doing is letting go..


...and that is something, that we should be able to do.. that I should be able to do.. and I just realized how foolish one can be.. just when you think that your hurting was being nurtured by sorrow and despair, that made it turn into anger.. you find yourself completely deserted by anger.. it was still hurting, only disguised.

..even leaves fade away and decay.. and so do people.. even when you don't want them to. Things evolve, sometimes not the way you want them to, but you find yourself with no other choice...



....and that is something that I'm still trying to get used to. Just like Jorge Luis Borges said : "Las cosas se rompen o cambian de dueño y las personas se desaparecen.” - things break and people disappear. 


Always yours.

-Marwa. 

Stay Still.. And Let Go...

They say that waiting gives you the time to think. And I've been thinking for the past four hours as I'm sitting in a bus taking me home at this very moment.

I'm officially done with high school. This year was my  senior year and I must admit that high school is very far from the near perfect experience where you make tons of friends and everything ends up just fine and then you head off to college with your best friend and unicorn here and cupcake there. It is complete and utter BS.

...Nope.. High school was highly exasperating. It was a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't think that I want to look back on that book, ever again  ...at least for now because I don't think that I have enough strength to do so.

Although, the pessimistic me is taking over (I'll put that on the fact that I'm a Gemini), high school  had some pretty great moments, I feel closer than ever with my best friend, who I consider as my sister and I've made amazing memories and captured them in my mind forever.




They say that high school changes you... and it has changed me, I just don't know if I changed for the worst or for the best. Not yet.

I think my past has changed me and made me tougher in some areas but high school is still this journey that I've gone through and I still need to take time to analyze it.

I believe that Elizabeth Gilbert said that the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying and that the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving... and I guess she was in place quite similar to where I'm standing right now, because I do want to leave yet I'd be leaving so many things behind. You see, I have this dream of mine, which is to travel the whole world. How amazing, fulfilling but mostly healing would it be. If I stay, the past will always come back haunting me.. It'll be the monster in my closet that I've been trying to bury in the deepest corners of my mind, yet it still finds a way to escape and to come bite me back..


Maybe the solution wasn't leaving. But I don't think that I'm ready to deal with any of this, so I'm just pouring it out here, hoping that I'll come up with something eventually.

The view from where I am is breath-taking. All you can see are trees, gigantic fields and a house here and there. It would almost make you feel like you're the only person in the world. It would make you feel like you have all the time and space you need to think and that no matter what the outcome of the thinking is.. It just wouldn't be as dreadful because there are no closets where you are and no skeletons to come scare you at night.


On another level, I believe that trauma is something everyone goes through at a certain point in their lives. Trauma is the only-ish constant. It's always been there, with us, we just fail to feel it or realize it because it doesn't feel like trauma. As I'm writing this, with the hope that I'm making the least bit of sense, I also believe that trauma changes you. Because if it didn't, then you'd probably would have to be a robot, which would be pretty cool...

....back to the subject. Trauma is a scary thing, our very own mind freezes and stops at the very thought of having to go through trauma because we are scared of change. But do we really change? Or do we just become more who we really are? Hence.. are we afraid of becoming more ourselves because we're scared-stiff of who might be hiding under the mask?


[...]


Life has a funny way of turning everything upside down, in such a complete opposite way..and it hits you like a train when you least expect it. I think that I am still trying to process many things right now... mostly the fact that us, as individuals, will always be coping with and/or dealing with some kind of traumatic loss or goodbye.. because the truth is that we all go through losses that are shockingly, surprisingly and agonizingly painful... losses that we never even thought would be real... losses that shake you, strike you and break you to the core.. I also am trying to get adjusted to the fact that people change their minds quite frequently..


...but I also got to learn -and not adjust- that time can heal most anything.


Throughout this very wonderful, horrible, joyous, nerve-wrecking and magical journey that is life, you should stick with the people who care about you and who you care about.. and leaving is  not an option, no matter how much you hurt them or they hurt you, once you find someone (or people) who you feel comfortable enough with to be yourself and without fearing to be judged or to be left...

....you should probably stick around and enjoy the journey of life, together.

And it is now that I realize that I just might have found those people... the ones who I might name my kids after and the ones who I plan to grow old and rusty with.

Gloomy Is the Night...

Dear blog of mine,

First of all, the reason why I just took the (erratic?) decision to pour my feelings out in here, is because my heart couldn't take it anymore. The load of emotions and feelings were outweighing me and shattering me. I can't believe that it got me physically sick. Am I this weak? I've always known myself to be quite vulnerable, but never has it crossed my mind that I would be this weak and sensitive, but then again, never have I thought that I would get this hurt by someone who I always put on a pedestal. I'm at loss of words. I feel like my stomach is lacerated and I lost my appetite, my father is worried about me but all I could come up with is that school drained me out of my energy. Did I become this pathetic? Have I always been that way or is it something that you develop when you let someone in and close enough to hurt you and they end up hurting you in the most despicable and knife-wrenching way. And all of this happened during the past 48 hours.


The thing that is making me loathe myself at this moment is letting anyone close enough to hurt me.. and the illusions. My God the illusions. Aren't we all deeply damaged? We mold inside our -damaged- minds this world where everything's okay and witty and bright while the truth is much uglier, much more despicable and ghoulish. I can feel that my tachycardia is back. My heart beats even faster as long as I'm repeating this scenario. This freaking scenario that twisted everything. That made me doubt everything. The sincerity in their promises, their words, their actions(?).. I'm completely shattered inside and what kills me the most is that this afternoon I'll have to go to school and pretend in front of everyone that I'm just okay. That I didn't come this morning because I was only and purely physically tired while they have no idea that I'm mentally and emotionally drained out.


I have been slapped, and I just woke up. I realized how easy it is for people to walk out of your life, and to cut you off for no reason and just leave you there standing in the cold, waiting for an answer or an explanation. Isn't it just so cruel.
Although I've said quite a lot up there, only God knows that the pain that I'm feeling inside is incomparable. I don't know how to describe it. I can't even put it into a song. I can barely put it into words on here. And I have no idea if this is ever gonna be published or not because I don't think that anyone should see how vulnerable I feel.  AM. I tried to read through it, to find a plausible explanation.. but whenever I think that I'm making something out of it, I trip and fall all the way back to square one. Isn't it ironic? Or maybe I'm the only seeing the irony here.



Out of experiences like this, people tell you to see the bright side, and to try to make the best out of it, the truth is, all of those are just bunch of lies, to make us think that it's going to be okay, what if it's not? What if actually being pathetic and shattered might be the only way out?

All that I know right now is that I'm getting no answer over here. And that I just wish it could disappear. I swear to God, I've never been this hurt, and I could never hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. Being left out there in the cold freezes you, inside and out. My heart is wounded and I have no idea how long it's going to take for me to heal. For it to heal. For me to try to talk about it without my eyes tearing up, without feeling like I'm being gutted.

All that I know is that I don't know. I just don't.

Untitled. Ish.

I believe that someone once told me that our feelings are always valid no matter what. No matter what they might be, or no matter what kind of shape or pattern they come as. I'm sitting right now, and reflecting on my emotions and feelings right now. Or at least I think that I'm doing so, but I'm exhausted to such a point that I don't think I could be objective at all.


I feel like there's a tornado of thoughts ravaging my brain and as my fingertips press each key on the keyboard, I feel some kind of relief very deep inside of me. I just need to get those feelings on my chest and so I have betrayed my guitar and took the (erratic?) decision to pour my soul into a blog instead on chords and lyrics. I actually did two days ago and the lyrics are pretty tragic if you had to ask me..

It's a four chord songs and maybe one of my best, the lyrics are very raw and go straight to the point.. "Now I know what you know that I'm not what you wanted, 'cause I see, perfectly, yes I have figured you out this time".. no matter how the lyrics come off, they're really not romantic at all. Or at least, the situation that inspired it wasn't romantic at all. It's about being this person in this relationship that can go so well at times but then all of the sudden all the walls end up being painted in shades of gray and you don't know quite where you're standing.. and some kind of distance starts establishing itself and you don't know what to do. (Unless you're me, you pick up your guitar and write it and then let it go) .. So yes, you decided to stop making all the effort and you simply let go and your heart sort of closes up forever; which match the bridge's lyrics "You will know what I knew that I was everything you should've wanted, you will see perfectly but it'll be too late for that"..


I think it's the exhaustion speaking right now. I just abhor how sometimes all your feelings get magnified all of the sudden and you feel like you can't seem to put your finger on what the issue is.


I just think that I'm going to stop being the kind of person who can't let go. I think that this era I'm in right now will be revolving around me being more independent and being the 'if you say goodbye, I'll be gone forever, no turning back' kinda gal...


Always yours,

-Invisible girl.