[I decided to share on my blog some pages of my diary... so what you're about to read is emotionally deeper than anything I've ever written on this blog, I think... ]
Dear diary,
I believe that right now it is 5:15 AM, I barely slept three hours but somehow I don't feel tired at all, I look tired but I'm not. Although according to my mom, I am, so I won't argue with her because as always we'll end up squabbling over it, which I thoroughly don't feel like doing. So I just nodded sulkily. In a few hours, I'll be hopping on a train, slowly getting away from Fez, hoping to leave all those thoughts that have made my nights a bit darker. My sister is sleeping right next to me and all I can hear right now is the sound of dogs barking at each other and maybe the sound of my dad tossing and turning in the guest bedroom's bed while my mom is listening to Qur'an in the regular bedroom, which leaves just me writing down my thoughts and watching Grey's Anatomy playing in the background (and me dying over the very very beautiful Patrick Dempsey, or more accurately Dr McDreamy). I should probably go get ready right now..
I'm back and I'm in the train, in the middle of nowhere. I'm happy that there's no Wi-Fi here, I guess. It's the perfect time to finally sort those thoughts out. The first thing that is hitting me is my trust issues. I feel like I've been putting up some walls that make me hold back a lot. One of the reasons why is that I've been lied to so many times, hurt, yet I've forgiven..
...I just guess that everything actually leaves wounds. As if there was a surface that I've been building up and sometimes, it just breaks, at night and everything is magnified, which is why I sometimes disappear from social networking and I spend the whole day on the couch, watching Grey's Anatomy and eating ice cream. Sounds fascinating, don't you think. Additionally, I've been carrying me some secrets that only four people know about and those secrets are the exact reason why I have so many trust and abandonment issues. I'm trying very hard to work on them, but every single time, something happens that makes it all worse...and just like Demi Lovato said "You can't bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart', once it's been broken, it takes too much effort to get it back together.
I'm just scared what might happen if I finally get everything on my chest... I'm skipping the subject because my eyes are becoming watery right now and I shall never allow anyone to ever see me cry.
The second thing that is coming to my mind is whether this whole infatuating, passionate love exists. I do believe in it but somehow there's this very guarded me who can't help but be pessimistic about it. I don't know why. I could easily blame it on my trust issues but what if there was more to it? I could say that I've had a bad break up but as far as I can remember breaking up involves having a boyfriend... I needed to take it down a notch by being sarcastic, well, about my love life. Hilarious.
Dear diary, those questions are consuming me. I mean, will I or could I ever be someone's Meredith Grey? Could someone ever be my Derek Shepherd? or am I just meant to be this old cat lady with 75 cats? Not that I'm not okay with that, I'd be happy to be that but there's something more. I'm just not the kind of person who wants to settle for something that is close to what I want. God knows how many marriages I have witnessed that are a total disaster, where there's no love, not even respect anymore, only fights and separate bedrooms. Am I doomed to be like that?
I have no idea where we are right now, it's still in the middle of nowhere, so yee, more thoughts, I would guess. As I'm looking at my window, I can't help but wonder what if I could stop time right now and just go lay there? WOULDN'T IT BE AWESOME. I'm getting lost in the subject. Again. Yay me.
...and finally the last thing, dear diary, is something that had kept me awake for so many nights, something that has literally been eating me alive but that I surprisingly built walls on. (Note to self, I'm building up walls so much, maybe I should consider some kind of wall-builder career, just saying.)
I'll keep it short because the more I talk about, the more I feel naked, emotionally. Getting back what I invest in something isn't a thing of mine, after all.
I remember that I've been told once that our feelings are valid, no matter what. So I guess now I've just said everything that's been on my chest and I finally am sharing it, here. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll probably go hide in a tiny, tiny hole.
Always yours,
-Invisible -feeling very vulnerable- girl.
Dear diary,
I believe that right now it is 5:15 AM, I barely slept three hours but somehow I don't feel tired at all, I look tired but I'm not. Although according to my mom, I am, so I won't argue with her because as always we'll end up squabbling over it, which I thoroughly don't feel like doing. So I just nodded sulkily. In a few hours, I'll be hopping on a train, slowly getting away from Fez, hoping to leave all those thoughts that have made my nights a bit darker. My sister is sleeping right next to me and all I can hear right now is the sound of dogs barking at each other and maybe the sound of my dad tossing and turning in the guest bedroom's bed while my mom is listening to Qur'an in the regular bedroom, which leaves just me writing down my thoughts and watching Grey's Anatomy playing in the background (and me dying over the very very beautiful Patrick Dempsey, or more accurately Dr McDreamy). I should probably go get ready right now..
I'm back and I'm in the train, in the middle of nowhere. I'm happy that there's no Wi-Fi here, I guess. It's the perfect time to finally sort those thoughts out. The first thing that is hitting me is my trust issues. I feel like I've been putting up some walls that make me hold back a lot. One of the reasons why is that I've been lied to so many times, hurt, yet I've forgiven..
...I just guess that everything actually leaves wounds. As if there was a surface that I've been building up and sometimes, it just breaks, at night and everything is magnified, which is why I sometimes disappear from social networking and I spend the whole day on the couch, watching Grey's Anatomy and eating ice cream. Sounds fascinating, don't you think. Additionally, I've been carrying me some secrets that only four people know about and those secrets are the exact reason why I have so many trust and abandonment issues. I'm trying very hard to work on them, but every single time, something happens that makes it all worse...and just like Demi Lovato said "You can't bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart', once it's been broken, it takes too much effort to get it back together.
I'm just scared what might happen if I finally get everything on my chest... I'm skipping the subject because my eyes are becoming watery right now and I shall never allow anyone to ever see me cry.
The second thing that is coming to my mind is whether this whole infatuating, passionate love exists. I do believe in it but somehow there's this very guarded me who can't help but be pessimistic about it. I don't know why. I could easily blame it on my trust issues but what if there was more to it? I could say that I've had a bad break up but as far as I can remember breaking up involves having a boyfriend... I needed to take it down a notch by being sarcastic, well, about my love life. Hilarious.
Dear diary, those questions are consuming me. I mean, will I or could I ever be someone's Meredith Grey? Could someone ever be my Derek Shepherd? or am I just meant to be this old cat lady with 75 cats? Not that I'm not okay with that, I'd be happy to be that but there's something more. I'm just not the kind of person who wants to settle for something that is close to what I want. God knows how many marriages I have witnessed that are a total disaster, where there's no love, not even respect anymore, only fights and separate bedrooms. Am I doomed to be like that?
I have no idea where we are right now, it's still in the middle of nowhere, so yee, more thoughts, I would guess. As I'm looking at my window, I can't help but wonder what if I could stop time right now and just go lay there? WOULDN'T IT BE AWESOME. I'm getting lost in the subject. Again. Yay me.
...and finally the last thing, dear diary, is something that had kept me awake for so many nights, something that has literally been eating me alive but that I surprisingly built walls on. (Note to self, I'm building up walls so much, maybe I should consider some kind of wall-builder career, just saying.)
I'll keep it short because the more I talk about, the more I feel naked, emotionally. Getting back what I invest in something isn't a thing of mine, after all.
I remember that I've been told once that our feelings are valid, no matter what. So I guess now I've just said everything that's been on my chest and I finally am sharing it, here. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll probably go hide in a tiny, tiny hole.
Always yours,
-Invisible -feeling very vulnerable- girl.
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