Throughout my short life (I've only been on this earth for about 16 years), I must admit that I have tasted every single emotion, if they're taste-able... that was a bad metaphor, I must admit too. Every single emotion taught me a lesson but the one I'm going through at this very moment is probably the worst of them, and I'm not exaggerating, in any kind of way.. Or maybe I am, but this is how things seem to me, at least now.
To explain you this very ambiguous situation, let's go back to 6 years ago, when I was small and I had no friends, every single day I would walk to class and have no one to sit next to so I focused on school which paid off to be honest.. and then I grew up and I met those amazing people who were there for me. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, finally found my place and you bet your ass that it felt so good.
Now.. this feeling came back to haunt me, and I have no idea whether I should feel mad or sad. My brain tells me to let it go and go back to my maths but my heart.. my heart is audibly breaking, it is sinking harder than the Titanic, the ice-berg? this feeling of feeling like an out-cast, a pariah.
Although I'm feeling naked, emotionally speaking of course, I know deep down that if I don't write it down, my heard will drown in blood... in something that is not blood... or maybe I'm just drama-queening right now, but let's be honest, it is what I do best.
What is a normal human being supposed to do when they feel left out? Walk away? Or fight? I honestly don't know if I'm willing to fight anymore, I'm just tired, I'm drained out of energy. Walking away sounds about right to me.. or maybe not. My mind and my heart are in a fight, I don't know which one I should follow.. I would usually go with my heart, but this time, doing the right thing is probably following what is logical. Maybe I had finally opened my eyes, or maybe I had just watched way too many Dr House's episodes.
Maybe I should come to the conclusion that third wheel-ing is another quality of mine, or a curse, or both... let's just hope it won't haunt my future grand-children.
[...]
I must admit that my emotions are mixed up at this very moment, I feel like I'm losing someone and I'm mad and hurt about it, yet I'm sitting here on my desk, writing and deleting, trying to think about anything else, staring at my laptop screen and writing down whatever crosses my mind. Was I doing something wrong that is pushing her away? No, I definitely wasn't.. I should be feeling great right now.. but I can't help but feel this weight on my chest, that is dragging me down for an I don't know what reason. I couldn't help but wonder what happened. The puzzle wasn't complete, not even near it.
AND THEN IT HIT ME. The answer hit me like a baseball bat, it was hurtful, but it surely was going to heal. I think, I think that the reason why I can't seem to get my mind off things is because I don't know what the reason is behind this drama. I need the truth. I need to solve the mystery..ish... and as I was struck by this epiphany, my heart ached, because I knew that the truth would just deepen the wounds and make them bleed.
Out of situations like this, the only positive thing you could hope for is to get a lesson out of it and let go of the pain... and whatever will be, will be. the wounds may take time to heal, and I sure was hoping that I had enough time in front of me.
Always yours,
Invisible Girl.
PS: I'm pretty much that this didn't make any sense at all, but if you ever got it, you're an infinite ball of perpetual awesomeness.
Conclusion: I'll probably just keep third-wheeling.
To explain you this very ambiguous situation, let's go back to 6 years ago, when I was small and I had no friends, every single day I would walk to class and have no one to sit next to so I focused on school which paid off to be honest.. and then I grew up and I met those amazing people who were there for me. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, finally found my place and you bet your ass that it felt so good.
Now.. this feeling came back to haunt me, and I have no idea whether I should feel mad or sad. My brain tells me to let it go and go back to my maths but my heart.. my heart is audibly breaking, it is sinking harder than the Titanic, the ice-berg? this feeling of feeling like an out-cast, a pariah.
Although I'm feeling naked, emotionally speaking of course, I know deep down that if I don't write it down, my heard will drown in
What is a normal human being supposed to do when they feel left out? Walk away? Or fight? I honestly don't know if I'm willing to fight anymore, I'm just tired, I'm drained out of energy. Walking away sounds about right to me.. or maybe not. My mind and my heart are in a fight, I don't know which one I should follow.. I would usually go with my heart, but this time, doing the right thing is probably following what is logical. Maybe I had finally opened my eyes, or maybe I had just watched way too many Dr House's episodes.
Maybe I should come to the conclusion that third wheel-ing is another quality of mine, or a curse, or both... let's just hope it won't haunt my future grand-children.
[...]
I must admit that my emotions are mixed up at this very moment, I feel like I'm losing someone and I'm mad and hurt about it, yet I'm sitting here on my desk, writing and deleting, trying to think about anything else, staring at my laptop screen and writing down whatever crosses my mind. Was I doing something wrong that is pushing her away? No, I definitely wasn't.. I should be feeling great right now.. but I can't help but feel this weight on my chest, that is dragging me down for an I don't know what reason. I couldn't help but wonder what happened. The puzzle wasn't complete, not even near it.
AND THEN IT HIT ME. The answer hit me like a baseball bat, it was hurtful, but it surely was going to heal. I think, I think that the reason why I can't seem to get my mind off things is because I don't know what the reason is behind this drama. I need the truth. I need to solve the mystery..ish... and as I was struck by this epiphany, my heart ached, because I knew that the truth would just deepen the wounds and make them bleed.
Out of situations like this, the only positive thing you could hope for is to get a lesson out of it and let go of the pain... and whatever will be, will be. the wounds may take time to heal, and I sure was hoping that I had enough time in front of me.
Always yours,
Invisible Girl.
PS: I'm pretty much that this didn't make any sense at all, but if you ever got it, you're an infinite ball of perpetual awesomeness.
Conclusion: I'll probably just keep third-wheeling.
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