As I said in my very first blog post here I've never experienced the whole world of dating and being madly in love or having a boyfriend... and I honestly never felt like I was missing out on something.. Until recently..
... and as I wished 'recently' never happened I was trying to reminisce myself why did I choose to be single... I needed to retrace my steps.. Kind of like when I lose phone, which happens abnormally a lot... Did I ever fall in love? And even though, whenever someone would ask me if I ever did, my answer would straightly be a no.. I never took time to think about it.. It's not like someone had pointed a gun on my face and told me not to fall in love otherwise the trigger would be pulled.. no, the only trigger that has been pulled is the many questions that my mind finally decided to set free without my approval... they literally rudely barged in and made me doubt everything.. and then song-writing was there, with a panel telling me that writing songs about love.. means that the thing I felt is love? I know that true love is love that is worth being written about...
...and here I am quoting Taylor Swift.. Okay, my case is more severe than I thought it was. I believe that being single is a choice that I've made and I don't think that I regret it as the non-believer I am in the fact that love never lasts. I witnessed it and I was definitely not willing to experience it. I don't want to lock myself in my room, eating ice-cream and sobbing to a sad romantic movie... which I actually do without being heart-broken.. and it totally does not appeal me to go through this thing called 'love'.. or 'break-up'.. I've always been running away, scared of commitment because commitment would lead to broken promises, and broken promises would lead to me being hurt, and being hurt is the last thing that I need to go through right now.. why am I even writing about this? I'm telling you that my mind is making me her bitch.
I'm actually confused.. Is it by choice or because I'm scared ? Is it even my choice at all or am I just potentially not datable? The further I dig, the deeper I get, the more confused and baffled I am. I'm shattered... and as I am finding comfort in a Swedish bread that I'm not even guilty about eating, I'm desperately trying to drown my feelings in a glass of Coke.. Contemplating my laptop screen, writing, editing, re-writing again, hoping that I will figure this all out... and it was all in vain...
... that made me think that I've had heartbreaks, at least I call them like that.. and basically it was just me nextgirldooriting all around... Songs were written and tears were shed but I still do not believe it's love. I don't. Call me cynical if you want to.. but I will remain this way forever and forevermore... and then it hit me as hard as a baseball bat... the reason why I don't let myself commit to anything is because of that person that I potentially had feelings for a year and half ago exactly.. we just drifted apart and nothing ever happened... and I got over it and then he just pops in out of nowhere... trying to get into my life again but I won't let it happen because the thing that I was pinning over a long time ago was all but a distant..
...forty inches away, behind a laptop. I don't think that this post is making sense anyway.. All my thoughts are tangled... and my brain is over-heating.. but my heart.. my heart.. needs to be reasoned.. but who or what can reason it if my brain and the rest of my body is deficient ?
Potential conclusion after pacing back and forth : The reason why I remained single until now, is because I'm a scared living chicken.. and I haven't found anything and that I'm the girl next door.
My heart is wounded... and it needs time to heal because it was tired of being confused and torn.
Always yours,
--Invisible girl.
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